


Guilt

by AgentStannerShipper



Series: tumblr ficlets [87]
Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, they just love each other so much and it hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 08:16:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20150509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentStannerShipper/pseuds/AgentStannerShipper
Summary: Aziraphale doesn't know why Crowley still loves him.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> For the sentence prompt: "You deserve more.'

It’s not that Aziraphale was ungrateful for the gift he’d been given. Quite the opposite: after years of shying away, of building barricades of cutting words and crushing Crowley’s subtle offers beneath his heels as if he were oblivious to their meanings, Aziraphale felt quite blessed to still have the demon’s love, and to have the opportunity to cherish it openly. No, it was not the love that made him hesitate now, made him pause that extra second before relaxing into Crowley’s comforting arms, made him still before melting into every kiss. It was not fear any longer. It was guilt.

A pair of arms wrapped around him, and Aziraphale startled as a kiss was pressed to his cheek before Crowley rested his chin on Aziraphale’s shoulder, draping himself over the back of the sofa. “I don’t think I’ve seen you turn a page in over an hour,” Crowley said conversationally. There was warmth bubbling in his voice, as there so often was these days, and Aziraphale’s stomach turned in an all too human way. Crowley nuzzled into Aziraphale’s neck, “What’s got you thinking so hard, angel? I know it’s not the book.”

Aziraphale sighed. He closed the book in question and set it aside, leaning back into Crowley’s touch. “Why do you still love me?” he asked softly.

Crowley stiffened, then straightened. “What kind of question is that?” He stalked around the sofa, dropping down next to Aziraphale and planting a hand on the back of it. “I’ve always loved you. You know that. And I’m always going to love you.”

“But that’s just it!” Aziraphale insisted wretchedly. “After everything I put you through, making you wait, making you hurt, _knowing_ how you felt and ignoring it-“

“It doesn’t matter. Heaven-“

“It matters to me,” Aziraphale said. He reached out, cradling Crowley’s cheek and shaking his head mournfully. “You deserve more, my dear. You deserve someone who didn’t knowingly push you away. Someone who has always cared for you the way you care for them.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Crowley told him, “but you’re the only being in existence who fits that bill.” He turned into the hand on his cheek, pressing his lips against it in a faint kiss before covering it with his own hand. “Yeah, you pushed me away, but it was _because_ you cared for me, and that scared you. And I get why. I’m a demon. You’re an angel. And maybe that doesn’t mean much now, but it used to.” He sighed, and brought their joined hands down between them, lacing their fingers. “I used to hate myself for wanting this. For pining after an angel, for thinking you could ever love me back the way I wanted. But I never blamed you. I blamed Heaven and what they did to you, I blamed God for putting us on opposite sides, but I never blamed you. Because I love you, angel. Always have. Always will. Whether you think you deserve it or not.”

“I really don’t.”

“That’s alright.” Crowley smiled, not a snakelike grin, but a soft one. No teeth, but his yellow eyes shining like miniature suns. “I’ll still love you anyways. And you’ll just have to deal with that.”

Once upon a time, the words might have sounded like a threat. Aziraphale might have read them as sinister, regardless of the intent. But that was because, once upon a time, Aziraphale had been afraid of falling. Now, he’d already hit the ground. Or, more accurately, Crowley had caught him. And maybe he didn’t think he deserved it, and maybe he never would. But he loved Crowley, and against all odds, Crowley loved him. It’s wasn’t precisely a storybook happily ever after, but it was a start.


End file.
